The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family

I grew up in the orbits of close family members with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) and developed abnormal views and expectations about relationships. I knew something was wrong, but could not figure out for decades what that thing was. I've sought counseling to figure out what was wrong with me or with my family members. The ethics of Christ, including his emphasis on forgiveness and forbearance, probably hindered my quest and my counselors input. But as serendipity would have it, while killing time in the local library, the cover story of a recent Psychology Today was about spotting a narcissist. I had explored the topic a bit before this article and had found information on this topic, but I still had not been empowered as a victim of narcissists. Narcissism is everywhere, and all of us have narcissistic tendencies, but I learned that someone who has NPD has no ability to distinguish between their selves and others. To someone with NPD, everyone around them is an extension of them. It's very weird, and can be emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually destructive to their children, co-workers, employees, and lovers.One psychological website recommended a few books, one of which I bought, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family after looking at half a dozen and comparing the reviews on Amazon. As soon as I started the book, I was ready to start underlining, but after the first couple pages, I realized everything was worth highlighting, and I put the pen away. The reality is everyone is broken, but some are more broken than others. Eleanor Payson didn't bother with trying to explain how this disorder might arise, but focuses on how the disorder affects different relationships and how to assert your distinct self. An early illustration in the book that was very helpful for me is the NPD person might view me as an arm, and if I disturb his order of the world, then I am perceived like an itch on his arm, something he might scratch or brush off. As far as he is concerned, the assertion of my rights, is a discomfort that needs to be swatted, like a mosquito. However, I need to stop seeing myself as a mosquito, as I was raised to believe, but as an equal human being fully entitled to my feelings and fully entitled to reject abuse. Of course this will lead to more conflict. Payson provides examples and guidance in how to assert yourself in different relationships: to parents, to lovers, to supervisors and co-workers. It really doesn't matter if your convenience store clerk is a narcissist because you can buy milk from him and leave the building, for a total of 5 minutes of interaction per week. But these other relationships involve power, time and emotion. This book has plenty of anecdotes from her counseling experience yet remains concise and quick to read. If you are involved in any sort of dysfunctional relationship, I recommend this book as a short introduction to this topic.I also bought a second book by a Christian woman, Sister Renee Pittelli, called  Narcissistic Predicaments A Biblical Guide To Navigating The Schemes, Snares, And No-Win Situations Unique To Abusive Families . She does not write from professional training, but from her own terrible experiences from her childhood and as someone who started a ministry for those traumatized by these kind of relationships. I cannot recommend this book though. Although she has found healing and recovery in her own life, the bitterness with which she writes, although rightly earned in light of the suffering her family put her through from early childhood through her late 40's, stains her writing. Although the NPD person causes great pain and suffering, they are not necessarily choosing to do that, they are barely able to empathize with others, since they barely comprehend the concept of "other."People with NPD do have empathy for one person: themselves. They have a constant need for narcissistic supply: admiration, praise, and, at the very least, attention from others. (This is why they sometimes go into professions like politics, acting, and the helping professions.)Without this professional perspective, Pittelli only has one understanding of them, evil. Although I can empathize with her, I believe she ends up dehumanizing the offenders, not too much unlike the offenders can't humanize those around them. She likes to use many verses, sometimes out of context, to justify some behaviors that seem contrary to Christ's ethics. She believes that one should only forgive those who apologize. This is not an uncommon belief, even among Christians, but I agree with the aphorism that unforgiveness typically results in bitterness. Bitterness, a wise friend tells me, is like drinking deadly poison and hoping someone else dies. Previously on this blog, I wrote about the Lord's prayer and concluded that forgiveness is the relinquishing of my rightful claim to justice. I develop that some more here but Jon Acuff has an amazing anecdote about forgiveness in a Viet Cong POW camp.The bad taste of bitterness that flows between the lines of Pittelli's writing was emotionally draining for me as I read the book. Sometimes, I needed to put it down for a day or two, so that I could find my spiritual equilibrium again. I didn't want to retain her bitterness. I don't believe she thinks she is bitter, and towards the end of her book, it diminishes, but her commitment to unforgiveness until repentance leaves her no other emotional option. This book could serve as a warning to Christians who are tempted to choose unforgiveness. I can, however, recommend the last chapter to everyone who is beginning to escape from the NPD person. I also can recommend the middle of the book where she gives 102 questions to analyze a relationship. At the end of the book she shares 6 lessons we will learn when we start making boundaries and treating ourselves as the individuals we are: 1) they will lose their ability to affect us emotionally, 2) they are not normal and never were, 3) they may never change but we will, 4) there are safe people out there who aren't out to hurt us, 5) we will recognize abnormal sooner and protect ourselves, 6) healing takes time, including moving through the stages of grief.I am only beginning to learn these lessons. I finally do have boundaries to prevent emotional damage. I'm learning that not every family is as whacked as mine. Jesus saves but does not always heal others. I'm learning to not be ashamed of what I went through. It isn't my fault and I don't need to defend those who hurt me. I've always recognized abnormal but never fled it, but got stuck to it like a tar baby. I'm looking forward to more healing.Healing from the damage of being in a relationship with someone who has NPD involves letting go of the impossible responsibility to achieve normalcy in such a relationship. The first book reviewed here, The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists, can help those of us who are damaged. I highly recommend it. One side effect of the book is that you start diagnosing every jerk around you as a narcissist, and most national politicians. That's not fair or true, but it sounds more refined than "jerks."

I have read countless books on the subject of Narcissism, and none were as thorough as this one! The writer covered an array of topics and categories on Narcissistic Personality Disorder in a very relatable way. This book helped me more than any other I had read, and the concise and penetrating descriptions were as if the writer had written it just for me. I'm confident ANYONE who has suffered at the hands of a Narcissist and has struggled (as did I) to understand this confusing emotional roller coaster ride will benefit greatly from this well-written book. It completely cleared up the confusing thoughts and emotions I had gone through, and I can honestly say that it changed my life! Whenever I find myself "slipping" into that grip of the conniving narcissist, I turn to this book as a strong reference, and it instantly helps me to get back on track. I highly recommend this book (and writer) without reservation. I wish all of you who are suffering at the hands of a Narcissist the best of luck in untangling your life from the turmoil. I am forever grateful to the writer who has gifted us with this book and the immense help and comfort it provides.

The validation and and truly therapeutic journey Eleanor has given us in the form of this elegant yet so relatable book is truly a great gift. Her fairytale metaphors through the actual characters are real and comfort bearing, bringing Aha! moments that release us from the self doubt that lead us to this sincerely "wonderful" book. The journey is intense and so well planned, grounding us readers while guiding the turn if self realization swiftly. She turns our light switches on in our dark rooms, a gentle light that we can adjust to at our own individual speed, be it using our hands tightly pressed over our eyeballs or a slow and steady eyelid movement upward, the elephant is named, visible, and stripped of all scary elements, for it is just a stuffed elephant. One that has taken the greatest percentage of our personal space unpleasantly, leaving us with minimal growth let alone stretch capability. We fear, we see, we get angry, and overwhelmed at the task of its removal, but know and embrace the fact that our rooms shall be reclaimed by its rightful owner, and there is a hopeful bright excitement behind the tough task, and support and help readily available that will help guide us through the safest, most efficient and least destructive removal of that stuffed elephant, the one we are sure we never asked Santa for, but showed up one Christmas morning anyway, with a tag that read "Surprise! I just knew you would love it! Just what you wanted, said so in your Santa letter (um, no, it didn't) Treasure it! With all the joy in my heart, Santa Mom(or fill in the blank). PS Make sure it stays in your room, not allowed elsewhere in the house, quite cumbersome, but exactly what you dreamed and wished for! (Um, no, I wanted a bomber jacket, but, I will make this elephant work, and be grateful...) Well, the elephant was not allowed to stay behind when we moved out either, nope we packed it on our backs and held through the exhaustive task of carrying the weight, uncomfortable and quite isolating, until ...we are given a gift, a hand that reaches the light switch we are unable to get to (darn elephant is always in the way!) Eleanor is that hand, the relief we have prayed for, freedom, reclaiming who we were Meant to Be, and what a True and very much desired and hoped after Gift that Is! Thanks Molly, for sharing this book, this Great Gift with me, and Thank you much Eleanor Paynor for blessing us with the skills and compassion, flipping that switch I am certain has given back the real and fulfilling lives we were truly were meant for, and wholly deserved. :)

Although, I found this book incredibly helpful for families that are dealing with Narcissistic family members or Narcissistic people at your place of employment, I wish they would have also addressed neighbors who have to live beside and across from Narcissists. They can bring down a whole neighborhood, believe me.I did pick and choose some of the book’s content to utilize specifically with my neighbor and passed the book or recommended the book to all my neighbors so we can handle the behavior better and hopefully live with more harmony despite the issues.

This had to be the best "starter" book I have read yet. It put so much into perspective. I really liked the way the author inserted "He or She" into everything. I have been getting really tired of reading about Men being the aggressors. It is a known fact that there are a lot of women that fit into the NPD world. It's Just that most men (like myself) also suffer in silence. This book put me on the path to recovery and I would recommend this to anyone that is trying to get a "grip" on reality.

I've read a few books about narcissism and this is one of the very best. The examples really hit home, for a start. Most of us, thankfully, will never cross paths with the criminal, low-functioning NPD subjects: the most common risk that narcissists present to everyone else is having them as parent(s) and/or investing energies and time into heady relationships or one-sided friendships that will end up gnawing at one's boundaries and self esteem. Not every narcissist victim is ensnared or obsessed by them: most just want to figure out things and to move on. This book is clear, reasonable and practical, never overdramatic or patronising, and it does a great job of explaining the dynamics of the garden variety narcissistic mind and how to deal with them. The only minor critique I can make is that the assertiveness strategies proposed will probably only work when confronting somewhat benign narcissists, and that it's not stressed enough that cutting the relationship may be considered a viable last resort - in the worst case scenarios.

This book has excellent explanations of narcissistic behaviours and offers strategies to implement to manage the narcissistic people in your life. I highly recommend this book above any other I have read on this topic.

written by a Christian which is what i prefer & explains things in laymans language. i had lived for the last 45 years in absolute turmoil & hell, i came across this book on a youtube channel by chance & very grateful, maybe my famillies life saver

Every narcissist's absolute nightmare. Read and you'll understand why.