Shunned: A Survival Guide

This author gets right to the heart of the shunning, and addresses important aspects of the trauma that few other resources even touch on. Great tools and techniques. Thank you to the author for these valuable insights. I want to give it more stars. BUT…We must be very careful in our language with people who have been shunned. They are at risk of violence towards themselves or others. The author actively violates the abuse survivors bill of rights multiple times, and this is dangerous to a shunned person in crisis. That person needs to come to terms with the abuse and restore their empowerment and sense of agency.Right around chapter 8 the author starts using shaming language, even going so far as to judge and devalue people on cult survivor forums (while she’s preaching non-judgment). They’re not doing their healing “right.” She attributes the intrusive and painful thought patterns of ptsd and fragmented psyches to the person’s character. No one should ever shame an abuse survivor for where they are in their process. Even if their behavior is bad or they are ruminating and others don’t understand their behavior - we shouldn’t invalidate them. Every moment is truly a choice, but PTSD is not a choice. It is a life threatening injury. Ostracism and systematic abuse causes damage to the brain that in many cases is developmental. The author paints the symptoms of that injury as wallowing or having a victim mentality, and even discourages people from telling the truth of their painful experience. Telling the story is how a damaged brain heals, especially when we have previously had to deny our experience. Healing does require acceptance and commitment to a process that can be painful. Ptsd and ostracism damage the pain, time, and self regulatory centers of the brain. They may re-experience any aspect of the trauma as though it is happening in the present moment, and that is no fault of their own. If a person has learned to involuntarily dissociate as a result of trauma, mindfulness practices may bring more sensation into the body than they are can currently manage. We are not hurting ourselves if we haven’t yet integrated and forgiven the offenses - if we have already forgiven much along the way, only to be violated further - the body itself will not allow forgiveness until it is certain that it is safe from further harm.The author tells the reader that the events might not have been as bad as we think they were. In some cases, they were much, much worse than we realized. We have suffered too much denial already. Let us tell it like it is, in all its gruesome detail, because THAT is exactly how we keep it from eating us up inside. Let’s be gentle with each other and ourselves.We have already spent enough time silencing ourselves and taking blame for what is not our fault. Let us not also dictate what our own or anyone else’s healing process should look like Some of these very meaningful spiritual quotes can amount to more denial, minimizing, and spiritual bypassing when misapplied.There’s a lot of good information if you are already at a certain stage of restoration & healing. If you have been seriously violated, brainwashed, and/or are in crisis, chapter 8 could put you into a downward spiral. The author is still under the influence of cultish thinking. Be careful.

The author has provided a very good tool for helping a person deal with the trauma and emotional blackmail of shunning. She uses brain science and research on our nervous systems to help us use them to heal. I've been trying them and the activities work.The main point is shunning places our nervous system on high alert, which warns of danger. Having our system activated is not healthy. We can shut it down by doing activities that calm our nervous system. We can also train our brain to create new pathways, causing us to no longer fear but feel safe and connected.I read this book twice even though my shunning experience started in 1991. I wish this was available back then. I recommend you read it and actually do the exercises. It will help you heal faster and deal better with the loss and trauma associated with shunning.

Thank you so much for writing this. I’m feeling better than I have in ages from reading this. My sons have gotten involved in a Catholic cult-like peer group and I’ve heard from them infrequently. When I do hear from they are cold anddetached, refusing to share any details of their lives. This has been so hard for me. What had I done? My oldest son married into this group. His wife refuses to answer emails or phone calls and will turn her back on me when I’m talking to her. She simply says, “I don’t get along with her.” She certainly hasn’t made any effort to try! They are involved in QAnon, now, too. But thank you again. I can process this problem much better now that I’ve read your book.

I have read many books about the challenges faced by individuals who leave a controlling organization, especially one where most of your family and friends belong to. How to deal with being shunned by these people, treated as if you had died, and how to find support on how to make changes and build a strong life.

Fabulous book! I've read many books on this subject (spiritual abuse) and this is the most practical and informative book on the subject. It gives practical suggestions on how to cope and begin a new life.

This helped me a lot.

Thanks Bonnie for your continuing work to help those from the ex jw community regain their sanity after exiting from the Watchtower. I appreciate the helpful tools and suggestions contained in your book. I have recommended your book to many of my ex jw friends suffering from the curel effects of shunning . Your books and helpful guidance is invaluable to the former cult member in waking up and regaining a life.

This is an excellent book that I could not put down. Bonnie has written a practical, inspiring and empowering book, with solid guidance based on her personal experience being shunned combined with her decades-long professional experience as a therapist who works with people who have been shunned. I left the JW's 25 years ago and I now have a very full and satisfying life, but it was hard-won. As I read this book I realized my success was due to taking all of the actions she recommends. This is practical stuff! It was also comforting to hear her straight talk about the harm caused by shunning, and to back it with the latest neuroscience. Thank you, Bonnie, for putting this resource together. I have already recommended it to others and will continue to do so.

A must buy in my opinion. A lot of really good information held in this book.

Love this book, great read.

Excellent ouvrage; au top des techniques de survie; extrêmement pratique et bénéfique! A quand en Français???