The Velvet Rage: Overcoming the Pain of Growing Up Gay in a Straight Man's World

This book is an excellent read for anyone in the LGBTQ+ community. It offers valuable insights into how childhood trauma and shame can shape adult life. The author provides thoughtful guidance on understanding and processing these experiences, offering ways to confront shame and grow toward a healthier, more fulfilling life. Overall, it is a truly impactful and highly recommended book.

Ive seen recommendations for this book everywhere and just figured one day ill get around to reading it. Boy was i doing myself a disservice! This book literally described so many things that have happened and are happening in my life as a gay man. This book,as detailed early on, is not exclusively for gay men but is a like a beacon for them specifically. If you choose to read Velvet Rage enjoy the experience!

I started reading this book, but some parts were so emotionally moving that I switched to the audiobook—which I highly recommend. Hearing the author's voice felt like talking to a compassionate friend. I'm grateful for this book and plan to reread it soon. (After this book, I read "Straight Jacket" by Matthew Todd, and I recommend reading it as well, especially if you're dealing with addictions, whether to substances, shopping or seeking external validation.) At first, I wasn’t sure some of the recommended practices made sense. But the book inspired me to explore DBT further, and through that, I was able to better understand these practices and saw their real-life value. Before this book, I believed that I'm gay, people are now mostly okay with it where I live (Warsaw, Poland) and end of story. I then understood that there's still a bit story there that I need (and want) to explore.

The book is good though it simplifies life very much. Some insights I liked from it. I recommend this book for young gays to read - it helps to get the big picture will will help a lot later in life

If you are willing to look at yourself in an honest & compassionate way, don't forget that part it's very important, and do the work presented in it, I believe this book will change your life forever. Alan observes that gay men grow up in a world where they were forced to hide themselves. This was very true for me, Doctor Downs then asserts that also later in life the gay man never develops their own authenticity & thus is not able to experience real joy in life, because of toxic shame. The gay man then exhibits all the stereotypical behaviors that we all know gay men exhibit, this is done to compensate for or avoid that shame which it really doesn't. Some things that the gay man does, some of which I had done myself, to avoid toxic shame are: their insatiable taste for fast & furious sex, equally fast & furious relationships with men, the quest for the perfect body (their own or someone else's), the perfect sexual partner (of the moment), the perfect latest styles, the perfect decorated home in the perfect zip code, the performing flawlessly at their perfect job, having the the perfect social life with their perfect friends, lastly the perfectly caddy condemning judgmental social behaviors that might be entertaining for awhile but really don't serve anyone, least of all the man doing them. Where does the rage come in all of this? Well, when the gay man doesn't get their way in any of the above & a circumstance reveals any of those things above in life that are not perfect, that one hair out of place, being caught wearing last seasons fashions, or anything that would reveal the gay man to be human & imperfect, out comes the little shame monster & the velvet rage. Do you see your own pattern in yourself in any of those? Don't worry, I did... And to be honest it caused me to put down the book for awhile, because I wasn't ready. I dint have the understanding or compassion for myself. The day eventually came when I was ready so I read it and it was one of the best books I've ever read. I know not all gay men express themselves in the ways I mentioned, but sadly many do. If you do, and want to find a way out of that & have a real life filled with joy then read this book! Alan Downs gives you the tools here to practice living a joyful authentic life. Namaste

Brilliant, Insightful, Deep! This book is for anyone who felt grossly inadequate, flawed, bullied, or an outsider as a child. Whether the trauma was embarrassment about your family, your personal flaws, or any secret, this book walks the reader through the ways we compensate in childhood. These childhood adaptations are limited by our development and options at the time. However, we get so good at protecting and hiding our flaws or shame that we never reopen the thought patterns around the wound to see if, as a developed adult with adult options, we can free ourselves from the boundaries and consequential life we created to compensate. I've explored human potential for decades and found this book to be profound. It's a lot of material and requires introspection. But, it came with experiential rewards when it "clicked." The author provides many examples from his therapy practice which illustrate his point and the patient's ultimate insight and healing. Admittedly, only the first half of the book brilliantly deals with freeing ourselves of childhood shame, the second half of the book deals more with the ways that we have become socially challenged in relationships. I found the second half to be material I had heard in other places, and some of it might seem like common sense. But, nonetheless, it provides a good refresher, and if you have a challenging relationship today, there is a good likelihood this book will help. Well worth the time if you have something inside that you protect or are reluctant to share with others. As you read, you may find yourself finding insights and freedom. You can begin to see how your life and relationships have been far less based on your own free-will than you realized. Instead, you may discover your life has been largely designed to continuously validate a life perspective developed with the capabilities and emotional maturity of a child. It's time to reinvent yourself with an adult perspective freed from the limitations imposed by shame.

This book has a number of flaws, but it's a fantastic read for most gay males. The book is a rather depressing and honest look at how many gays can lead an unexamined life of self-filling misery, validation, shame avoidance, and entitlement that begins with shame from their childhood. Yet, despite that gay males participate in this spiral of shame avoidance, they rile against it and claim to be above it. I doubted the main thesis of the book, but the author quickly proves much of it. As a 30 year old gay male with some life experiences under his belt, I saw parts of it in myself. And, I see much of the book's lessons in my friends or my previous relationship. This is especially a great book for someone who has been unceremoniously dumped from what they thought was a good, functioning, growing relationship. Or, it's a great book for someone who was cheated on while in a good relationship. You shouldn't necessarily take the blame and this book tells you why. I don't think I would recommend anyone who is not sure about their sexuality to read the entire book. Likewise, I would have a hard time having a family member read it unless I guided them through some of it with discussions. It truly is an honest, difficult look at the development of many gay males and their behaviors. My one gripe with the book was that the last section on authenticity and honesty was too negative and not constructive enough. It almost makes it sound like this stage of life can only be achieved through a life of hard knocks. The book lays the ground work for getting to authenticity by facing your shame, taking responsibility for your actions, being completely honest, and self-examining oneself completely. However, the book presents very few cases of gay relationships where both men are truly authentic to themselves, their partners, and everyone else. Overall, a great read for any gay male that is ready to self-examine his development, behaviors, relationships, and life direction in an honest manner.

In 1956 Evelyn Hooker reported the results of her study of gay men that debunked previous theories. She said, “In my paper I presented the evidence that gay men can be as well adjusted as straight men and that some are even better adjusted than some straight men. In other words, so far as the evidence was concerned, there was no difference between the two groups of men in the study. There was as much pathology in one group as in the other.” Before that time Psychotherapists studied schizophrenics, neurotics, and people with addiction problems who happened to be homosexual and developed theories focused on the pathology of “the homosexual.” These now disproven theories were later used in reparative therapy treatment by conservative Christian groups. The first five chapters of The Velvet Rage by Alan Downs reminded me of evangelical books in the late 1970s about how miserable gay people are. Downs uses the stories of his therapy clients to weave some common threads, such as shame and rage, throughout the book. Thinking of Hooker’s report presented to the APA, I wondered to what extent the symptoms described by Downs were related categorically to the fact that they are gay. I kept hoping Downs would cite studies to support his theory, but he interprets the symptoms as a derivation of shame by way of his anecdotal evidence. I do recommend starting with the epilogue. It’s deeply personal, and beautifully written, authentic and nuanced in a way that is missing from his clients’ narratives. While many of the stories in the book sounded anachronistic and did not resonate with me, I did find the chart of twenty-two skills to be thought provoking and useful for personal development. Downs presents specific “skills” or behaviors that can be practiced on a daily basis. There are twenty-two healthy habits that everyone should develop. You’ve probably heard some of these before. They sound simple, trite perhaps, but certainly not effortless or painless. I think everyone will identify with some of the self-defeating behaviors that are inhibiting a sense of contentment. Downs suggests using the chart as a tool for discussion groups. Downs makes the case that “The secret to life isn’t an idea—it’s a behavior. You must do, not just think about, what is likely to bring you joy and peace.”