The Same But Different: How Twins Can Live, Love, and Learn to Be Individuals

My husband is a twin and this book gave me tremendous insight into his experience growing up and how different it was from mine, and how this affects the way we communicate. I also really appreciated that Dr. Friedman discusses something called "twin mystique," the assumption that twins share some magical bond, that they are soul mates, that they inherently understand one another. Thanks to Dr. Friedman, I know see how everyone from parents to friends to the media projects this idealization onto twins which can put tremendous pressure on them and inhibits them from feeling free to develop as truly separate people. As Dr. Friedman says, "when the longing to see twins in a romanticized way prevents others from seeing same-age siblings as individuals, twins feel as if they are merely playing a role in someone else's fantasy." I really have come away from this book with more compassion, patience, and understanding. I am so glad I read this book!

Dr. Joan Friedman combines her personal experience with professional wisdom in this clearly and well written book, which offers many detailed anecdotes and examples of the unique world of the twin relationship in the subjects' own words from each of their sides. Deeply truthful and insightful, Dr. Friedman demonstrates the transition from twins often tethered in a shared orbit to becoming self sustaining individuals complete with the vast richness of independence while still remaining "siblings with the same birthday." Whether you are a twin, parent, relative or friend of twins, or a professional who works with twins, this refreshing look at the twin dynamic will increase your understanding of the magnified challenge of individuation that twins face. It is a must read for anyone touched by the twin relationship.

Encourages and advices

Dr. Joan Friedman's book clearly identifies the struggles associated with the very natural process of finding yourself as an individual in a twinship. This book is a must read for all twins and anyone else close to them. There is much material out there on the mysticism of being a twin, but nothing until this book on the real-life struggles twins go through when relating to each other as individuals. Being a twin is one of the most intimate relationships we'll ever know, and along with that level of intimacy comes intensity of feelings and emotions....the good ones and the bad ones! This book provides the tools to understand, navigate, and thrive through twin relationship struggles.

I highly recommend this book. It's clear, well-written, and most importantly, supportive! The adult twin survey is right on target and the stories of twin relationships were so validating. If you are a twin, treat yourself to this - it's much cheaper than therapy :)

I've never in a million years thought I needed to read a book on twin relationships and how they should function because, after all I'm a twin so I would of course know this information by default. UNTIL I CAME ACROSS THIS BOOK! Dr. Friedman's analysis of the issues in twin relationships are accurate, truthful and able to give any twin ultimate perspective on their relationship. This book is definitely a must read for ALL twins but especially ADULT twins regardless of whether or not you are struggling in your relationship. Chances are you'll even find out some interesting things, you didn't know about yourself :-)) Do yourself a favor and get this book today!

It's really important to let twins have their individuality. I think that was one of the big takeaways for me, being a twin. As we grew up, we were always known as "the twins." Almost never by name, and a lot of people don't bother to differentiate. So it's kind of minimizing us as people. Yes we look alike, and might even have some of the same mannerisms, but people need to realize they are two separate people. I really couldn't thank the author enough for pointing this out and making people aware. I go to a church, and have been for 16+ yrs, and one parishoner doesn't even bother to differentiate us. Yes being a twin can be fun and rewarding, but it can be very hard, especially if you're put in that box and made to stay there.

Dr. Friedman's perspective as a psychologist, a parent of twins and a twin herself as well as her knowledge and expertise about identity development is insightful. Her thoughts and experience have been very helpful in guiding our family's decisions as we are raising our two children who just happened to be born in the same minute. Dr. Friedman's first book, Emotionally Healthy Twins, was a guiding tool for us when our children were very young and I found The Same But Different an interesting and important study to consider as they are growing up. Both books are perfect gifts for any twin baby shower.

I enjoyed the case studies and different situations discussed in the book, but it seemed one sided to me. Everyone somehow found a way to have a relationship with their twin, that their twin was willing to acknowledge and work through the individuation issues. What about the twins who can't find a way to do this? One twin is in denial that there is an issue, or family that continues the treat "the twins" as one unit, even though they are adults and live separately. Everything is just too pat in the book, much like the twin mystique the author claims not to believe in.

This book has changed my life.Joan Friedman has helped uncover the hardships and difficulties that come with being a twin. Friedman reveals and explains the emotional struggles in order to normalise the unrealistic expectations and assumptions that are projected onto twins by non-twins, families of twins, and even twins themselves in regards to a "special connection" or closeness, that in reality not all twins feel or experience.I am a young adult who is a twin, but as I grow older myself and my sister are expected to be independent individuals.Freidman offers different insights into different twinships, by looking at different twin dynamics, Friedman offers advice and solutions in order to recognise and negotiate different strategies to cope with struggles you many have with your own twinship, that you may not have even realised existed.Although, it is hard to approach difficulties within your twinship, it is a cathartic process to read this book and realise that these feelings of guilt, responsibility, codependency or resent that you may have towards your twin are not taboo, and are actually felt by other twins. It is only until we address our twin issues that we can live more independent and healthy lifestyles.Thank you so much, Joan!

I will use this book to gain knowledge about twins that I work with in school

This book is amazing and so accurate. If you know close twins you will instantly recognise situations with them written in this book. There are testimonies, interviews and stories from twins in all walks of life. Dr.Friedman makes a real impact with this book with her professional and personal experience, being an identical twin herself. Its accessible, insightful and straight-talking. She tells it like it is. Highly recommended reading.

If you're a twin like me, then you'll know that the relationship is deeply rewarding but also complex. This book has given me some much needed perspective on my twinship and given me the opportunity to reflect on how to make my relationship a healthier one.