Noir: A Novel

My love for Christopher Moore runs deep. Ever since I first stumbled across Lamb at my local bookstore, I’ve been a loud and loyal fan. I’ll tell anyone who’ll listen which book to read first (Lamb, obviously), which to real last (Ironically, his first, Practical Demon Keeping. It’s been awhile since I’ve read it, so perhaps my poor memory has been doing PDK a disservice); which features his best quotes (“Blessed are the Dumbfucks”) and which feature the best reoccurring character (Pocket). So it hurts giving Noir only 3 stars (really, 2.5, but I rounded up for loyalty).I was very excited going into this book. In fact I pre-ordered it as soon as pre-order became an option. Noir has all the trappings of novels I usually devour in a few sittings. First of all, noir; I’m a sucker for inky noir, extra pulp. Secondly, the promise of sci-fi in the form of Roswell, 1947.April 17th and my beautiful new Moore finally arrives. The cover. Oh, that cover! I love it. This is going to be good, I think, as I steal a quick sniff of the open spine. The first chapter is great. Murder by a serpent of unusual size! Everything I’m reading is great. The names... Sammy “Two-Shoes” Tiffen... Stilton, aka the Cheese... Two-Shoes with his lame foot is setting us up for some first rate comedy noir. But then suddenly I realize the perspective has changed. From first-person through Sammy’s eye, we shift to some third-person, seemingly, omniscient narrator. It was the beginning of the next chapter so I think, okay, from chapter to chapter expect the perspective to change. I can work with that. Until suddenly it wasn’t; the narration style starts shifting within the same chapter. Maybe I’m easily confused. Either way, I didn’t like it. A few chapters later this unnamed narrator is kind enough to tell us we don’t need to worry over his identity, he’s no one of any importance, but he knows things. He’s just here to fill in what Sammy cannot. Okay, trust in Moore, he doesn’t usually steer me wrong. In the final third or so, Mr. Mysterious Narrator throws the reader a bone by revealing his identity, which I really liked... until it serves no purpose at all. And that seems to be a common thread throughout Noir. A lot of what happens doesn’t really matter. These random plot points don’t play into the larger story beyond granting Christopher Moore a few more pages and an easy way to wrap things up.A lot of people didn’t care for the turn the last third of the book takes. I personally enjoyed it and wished Moore would have done a better job weaving that sci-fi angle into Noir’s backdrop.Also, was Christopher Moore paid by the fog metaphor? I get that good noir, especially noir set in San Fransisco, is thick with fog, however; to loosely quote Niles from Frasier, Moore began mixing metaphors like a Cuisinart. Some of them were enjoyable, though. I would include a few favorites, but I’ve leant my copy to a fellow Moore Nerd.I touched on this earlier, but perhaps what bothers me the most is the way loose ends are tied up with Sammy needing to do nothing. Again, some felt like filler, a way to flesh out a perhaps incomplete idea. I’m thinking specifically of the Pookie O’Hare sub-plot; a despicable character treated even more despicably by Sammy and his crew.If you’re new to Moore, I wouldn’t recommend starting with Noir.

Something is happening with me and Christopher Moore. The relationship is getting a little long in the tooth I feel, because his books just don’t do for me what they use to. When I first discovered him, I really enjoyed (and tore through) his books. Now I read his books, they keep my attention, but they leave me feeling nothing.“Noir” is a prime example of that. It is on the edge of being a clever, intriguing book. It never gets there. The premise is classic noir style, a “dame” walks into a bar, and for a while, it feels like the style and cadence of the text is like some standard noir fiction. Then it gets off the rails a little, and is noir in title only, which Mr. Moore himself admits in his Afterward.The weakness of this text is that it tries to do too many things, and as a result does none of them well. Moore just can’t resist throwing in some of his fantastical elements. I wish he would write more books where he does not have to have monsters, aliens, or some other ridiculousness. It is okay, and I enjoy it from time to time, but can he do anything else? There are bunches of plot points introduced, and none of them are resolved with any real seriousness, which detracts greatly. As a result I could not have told you what “Noir” was about a week after having finished it.Some strengths of the text... I loved the character The Kid. He and his voice are easily one of the novel’s strongest, and funniest, elements. The point of view when delivered by the protagonist, Sammy “Two Toes” Tiffin, is also enjoyable to read. Moore can write some awesome character voices and styles. But the alternative point of view in the novel is from the POV of a snake, who talks and thinks like a human (see my earlier point about stupid things) and has nothing to do with any established major plot points. The writer just could not leave well enough alone.I read “Noir” quickly, and I am not irritated I read it. I just wish I had waited to purchase it until I saw it in the bargain paperback bin.

This is one of the wackiest books I’ve ever read. It’s San Francisco in 1947 when this shapely dame walks into a bar and all the guys are watching her closely. She’s a size 8 gal wearing a size 6 dress and the guys are rooting hard for those two sizes to make a break. Her name is Stilton, like the cheese, but the bartender calls her Toots and immediately gets on her wrong side. “Don’t call me Toots,” she says. The bartender, one Sammy “Two Toes” Tiffin, abides by her wishes and calls her Cheesy. Other colorful characters are numerous and soon I got the feeling that I was in the middle of a Damon Runyon story. I would not have been surprised to see Sky Masterson, Miss Adelaide, or Nathan Detroit make an appearance. But Sammy and Cheesy eventually make nice and are soon sharing a bed while doing that old razzmatazz. Author Christopher Moore characterizes their couplings as trains and tunnels, torpedoes clearing their tubes, galaxies expanding and a squeaky thing that sounded like angry mice. But their fun doesn’t last long. Cheesy disappears and Sammy embarks on a quest to find her. This novel has elements of mystery, romance, crime, and even a bit of science fiction. One chapter is narrated by a black mamba snake named Petey who has done a terrible thing but nevertheless rationalizes his serpentine behavior. Even the author, in his Afterword, confesses that the story is really a “perky noir” treatment. It’s an enjoyable read with many laugh-out-loud moments. Some of the activities may strain your credibility but relax and enjoy the story.